By Dan Rubin
Ron Artest’s name change was officially approved on Friday, which happened to be an early birthday present to myself because it gives me a laundry list of jokes about ten pages long. Although, I am honestly contemplating buying his jersey, especially since I want to support him, as well as his new name, Metta World Peace.
Artest originally wanted to change his number to 70, but the NBA reportedly denied his request. Apparently, there’s a little known rule that a player has to have one number for approximately five-years before they can change it. I don’t know how he was able to negotiate a change from 37 to 15 in his first two seasons in Los Angeles, but the league denied him the right to change if for a third year.
Yet, Artest’s name changes the game. Chad Johnson’s name change to Ochocinco was funny, but Artest is a different story. He’s just nuts, although, I know he’s going to use this name change for the greater good. So, with that being said, here’s my Top-5 List of things Ron Artest will do with his new name.
1. He’ll quit the NBA and relocate to Zimbabwe to raise unicorns. If Metta World Peace or Ron Artest or whatever we’re calling him these days said, he was going to do this, would you argue with him? It’s like when Mike Tyson retired from boxing to raise pigeons. Bill Simmons from ESPN.com used to talk about how they reached a crazy zone, which was called, “Tyson Zone.” Well, if World Peace said he was going to do this zany move, I don’t think any of us would be shocked.
2. No NBA referee will charge him with a foul. If you were a referee, would you blow a whistle and call a foul against a man named World Peace? I’m not putting anything past NBA officials – they’re so crooked, but they might hate World Peace or his actions. Although, if you’re an NBA official, would you call a foul against him? He’ll never have a foul called on him, especially if he tears a limb off from Amare Stoudamire or Dirk Nowitzki’s body.
3. He’ll secretly become the next Secretary General of the United Nations. Over the years, secretary-generals names have included, U Thant and Kofi Annan. If World Peace becomes the new head of the world’s peacekeeping organization, then nobody would ask questions, right? His name fits so perfectly.
4. He’ll star in an Adult Film. This idea might be a tad bit risqué, but if Metta World Peace isn’t the name of some foreign dignitary then it absolutely the name of a man who is destined to appear in the adult film industry. Also, I’m going out on a limb, but I bet he’d win an award for best actor.
5. He’ll lead a cult. I can envision World Peace wearing a long, colorful robe and preaching about how he is the prophet of the God’s earth. I can imagine him moving to a settlement in the middle of nowhere. I can imagine him having this peculiar cult where they farm for a living Also, I can imagine a reporter like Craig Sager donning his ‘84-color suits and going for an exclusive look at life inside the compound.
All in all, I want to thank Metta World Peace for all that he’s done thus far. Also, I think it’s fair to state, he’s a reporter’s dream and we are all eternally grateful for it.